April 2016

Feeling a little trapped with the squishing deadlines and materials to produce. Procrastinated for hours, and I'm finally settling in, but there is not enough time. Perhaps i'm just not used to working hard, staying up late to manage deadlines, and giving it my all for something that i want. Time is more lax since completing internship. Of course, on days that I am productive, I stay up late applying for jobs, and rewriting the cover letters irks me the most. It definitely feels challenging because i'm not a writer, and I take more time than others, or so I will think, to write a good enough version that I am confident of sending to a potential employer. Somehow, it seems easy to others, than myself, in how they achieve what they want to achieve, or maybe i'm just not looking hard at how they slog themselves behind all that success. 

I am excited about all the possible opportunities and at the same time not. Not sure if i should credit the opportunity to myself or to luck. New beginnings tomorrow, is a tad intimidating for me after having not managing a few priorities at a go, and to do so now, I cannot make a mess of them. Again, i tend to worry about burning bridges or offending anyone, but it is a good reminder that they don't make me happy, and I should think firstly for myself. Navigating the corporate world is such a chore, and there seems to be a system to everything, with words being read too deep, and politics seeping in. Dreading all that, and I hope I don't get suck in after having to put them down. 

Offering myself a few reminders before the storm begins, or have already begun; To remember things that make me happy, and to do more of them. Money is everything to exist, but remember to live happily. To always be grateful, and put my ego down only to be able to learn and grow. 

Time to get back to those writing, and taking in everything like a sponge. 

Cheerios

Current thoughts.

Decided to check out how my past looks like here. And i must say, I was way more hardworking back then. LOL Probably due to the leading to, during and post break up, school, and dance that i got a lot of ideas and motivation on how I kinda want to shape my future, and what kind of life I want at those points of time, which were low for me. I have learnt a lot through those "low points".

Comparing to the present, I have disappoint myself in not being as driven as before. However, everyone has their paths to take, and not every path is as clear. I am lost again, and unsure of what to expect out of my future. I have worked hard and got to where I am. I have achieved my goals, or maybe lost some along the way now. I have yet to decide the next place that I really want to be. I guess. Maybe that is why I am not fighting for anything or I just don't know what to fight for. I am really just going through a lot of motion. To live life is what drives me. It's not just something or anything. Those don't satisfy, and I don't feel that I have lived. Despite saying that, the surprising part is, dance doesn't seem to be that much of a passion to me already. Or maybe I am just unmotivated with everything to feel anything passionately. Maybe I am ready for other other priorities than my own entertainment and passion for dance. 

I haven't been heading out much with my friends. Firstly, I wanted to save money since duh, I'm not working full time. Second, I don't have enough money from my miserable internship pay and I am ashamed to say, I am still living on allowance, hence the first reason. Third, I feel so lazy to connect with everyone recently and I find communicating such a chore that I even hardly reply texts much these days except to D. I might even be getting kinda introverted?! :O All day, I'm just staying home and when I'm out, it's usually with D. I am not controlled at all to not meet my friends or head out and have fun, and on the contrary, he doesn't mind it at all. Fourth, I actually feel kinda half contented staying home having meals with my family or with D. When I'm bored, we head out for stuff to play. OMG. I am sucha cave person?! Sometimes it freaks me out, and I decide that I should hang out, but i always get lazy getting round to asking my friends for meet ups. D: 

I have been getting so lazy. Laziness is a disease. It's contagious too. I feel so lazy to even do anything at home. I feel so lazy to pack my table, clothes, shoes, etc... u know girls and their stuff. I feel lazy to write my resolutions, or what I want to do. I just don't feel motivated. I even feel lazy to go exercise. Today marks the first day that I went swimming on my own ever since 7 months ago. And my running has decreased drastically. I even feel lazy to go for my dance classes. SIGHS. What in the world is going on.

Back to dance. Ever since I took a break from the concert, and getting back to class since 2016, I felt like it has been a chore. The break that I took was very refreshing. It allowed me to take on more stuff that I have always wanted without considering anything else. I didn't have to give up opportunities that is practical for my future. Eventually, money is important for getting married, house and kids... Sadly, I don't want to be a salary worker as well but money is indeed a necessity. And all those negative energy that I didn't have to worry about, was really good. I liked it. I'm glad I gave me courage for saying no, and switching up my priorities. Otherwise, I feel so unhappy and I feel like I can't seem to change anything because I am afraid of the consequences, and not being able to let my dance go. Through this break, I think I learnt that I was able to. Compared to 2 years ago, when I was feeling ambitious, as opportunities come and go, and youth slips by before I know it, I wanted to grab all that I can despite knowing how drained I will be, I took up as many performances as I was offered. I couldn't say no. Coming back to Alltitude last year, I felt a calmness. Despite some stuff not being as challenging, I felt happy. Previously, I was eager to learn and be better all the time. That time, I just felt happy to be back dancing with the people that I know. To make everything look better than it is, and really just enjoy. Seeing how others fight for better roles, or better choreographers and pieces, looks so tiring. Dance does come from within. I still enjoy it now and then, but not craving for it, or dancing super duper a lot now, and I feel okay with that. 

Also, I haven't been to much dance concerts. I have to admit more than before, that it really seems that dance is a privilege. To watch others, to see the beauty of it, and then feeling the urge to dance and do the same, to support your friends, is really a privilege. I'm not rich, though not poor, but I have goals I want to save for eventually, and I'm definitely not young. Probably when I have a permanent income, things will change again? Previously I may have felt bad, as I know how much effort it takes to put into practises for performances, and feeling the disappointment when there isn't your audience supporting you, because dance is an entertainment, to entertain, there needs to be a crowd, or maybe you can argue to perform and showcase what you have achieved, I will want to support them and also I like to watch concerts at that time to be better right? Sadly, i haven't been catching much performances and i have chosen to put my needs above. Maybe to some, it's not much. What can you save with that amount of money? All these here and there, adding them up does make a difference. To me, that's probably a few daily meals, or a christmas present for my loved one, or birthday present, or a get together meal with my friends. I am really not a pauper. Lol. But the stress does add on when i feel like i should be taking over to take care of my house and family members, bills, and my future house. Comparing to those, suddenly everything else, just don't seem that important anymore. Or... Maybe I just feel lazy right... since I have been so lazy about doing anything and everything. 

This blog post is a good start. Sometimes talking to myself and seeing it visually helps to organise my thoughts. How my thinking may take a 180 change after awhile of analysing what I have previously thought. LOL

Also, hopefully my picture can be recovered because all of my holiday pictures are in there! T.T Pictures and memories mean the world to me. T.T I looooove looking at them. Hopefully they can be retrieved. Sighs. 

That's all for now. BYE~ 

I don't have a picture of me either because I have been lazy to upload into my new hard disk and I hardly take selfies these days. WHUT? End.