Grateful.

Last week was tough.

So... My friends have been telling me that they can't get used to me being "low battery", "tired", not active and basically, not really smiling or laughing like i used to, and they start asking me why. I really appreciate it... but i didn't really want to talk about it because that would mean i have to think about it... When i try to, i feel like i can't say it out. And i don't want to get emotional and cry, because we're suppose to be out having a fun time, taking a break from our busy schedules.. It's not that i don't want to smile when I'm with them... it's really tiring because I'm trying very hard to not think about it much less keep smiling. 

Every night when i reach home, I'll plop on my bed and fall asleep immediately, and i like this part best because i can sleep in peace, something i can do on my own. I usually don't mind being by myself. I'll head out to study on my own if nobody is free. I'll run or work out on my own. I like walking. I'll walk to and fro from my house to places near my house. I'm not afraid of travelling on my own for long distances, in fact, i kinda enjoy it a lot, me time to think about things... 

But last week, i couldn't do any of it.

Waking up was hard with reality hitting me every morning... and all my emotions replayed by themselves. Getting out of the house was tough. Travelling or walking by myself was quite difficult. The worst was waiting because i have nothing to do and my mind wanders. The things i like to do so much and enjoy, i couldn't do it. I keep thinking about things which i shouldn't. And now, I'm afraid to start because i don't want to think about those things. It's scary... this thing I'm feeling all the time. It comes and goes. Sometimes, my mind gets lost and i literally have to calm myself down and breathe. It's that dramatic. I don't wish to be like this as well... but it kinda wanders and reminisce the past. All the good and bad. Mostly good, which makes me miss those times. But i know, i want to be in the present. 

I'm trying my best but it isn't easy to do it on my own. And I'm really grateful to all of my dear friends for lending me a helping hand. Dinners, suppers, meet ups, listening ear(s) when i was really in need of company. They don't know how much it means because i didn't say it. I'm not good with mushy stuff like that because i think it might seem fake so i might just be nice to them unknowingly or do something for them... and they probably won't realise it too. Lol Even though my face didn't seem like i was in the moment, but i really was. And I'm glad that i have them. Feeling really lucky for all the love they have given me. I hope they give me some time and be patient with me. I don't want to keep going on about it too because nobody likes moody people. I hope to be myself soon. And look forward to all the good things that have yet to come. :)

I'm okay when I'm out with company, so i try to head out more. So grateful for them accompanying me. :) Got out after a hard time and went to study with Banana. :) 
After, dinner along Waterloo St.Yummy fried omelet, hotplate tofu, salted egg pork, long beans with 'Hei bi hiam' and spring onion beef. SO GOOD! A good meal for the day with good company. :)

Dessert at Merely Waffles. Salted caramel ice cream. The waffles were not bad! Tasted the flavour something with beer, really good! But, we didn't get it.

Lunch with Sleeve and went to Esplanade library. I was suppose to study and she was suppose to borrow her book, but Esplanade doesn't seem to have those normal books, only the arts related books. My kinda heaven! Got bit excited when i saw the rows and rows of dance concerts and theatre shows that i can borrow and watch! So, Sleeve basically just chill around like a hobo. LOL

Went for open class after with Jo, ma sista from anotha motha! I didn't have the guts to attend class on my own so I'll go if she goes. Hehehe :P The song was pretty apt that night. Felt good to be able to dance. It always makes me happy! :D Dinner after with Jo and our ice cream~ Because ice cream makes my world go round. Heh heh.

Decided to work for half a day before heading home to get changed for Sleeve's birthday party later at night. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SLEEVE! We didn't do much for her except got her a tiny cake and a card. She really wanted a cake. And i know how that feels, not to have a cake on your birthday or blow the candles. :( Hope she enjoyed her birthday night! :D

When she got another surprise cake! Crazy girl is probably 'high' by now! Kept laughing non stop and talk so loud! This was when she realised she didn't have any utensils to eat the cake and i asked her to squeeze the cake out from the plastic layer. LOL

Study again, every single day, almost. Went for open class again with Jo at night! And dinner after with Jo and Jessica at this Japanese place at 313@Somerset. Ordered myself a pork toji, pork cutlet, some other pork thing and fried prawns. It was pretty good and cheap! :D

Study session at the Basement with Freman before dinner date with classmates from S12 during PAE period. Didn't take any photos of my egg royale. :( The Basement is closing soon, so lady boss didn't need any more 'marketing' and my phone was charging in the cafe. :P Lady boss got us free soup! Yayyyyy! :D

At Saizeriya. We probably wouldn't have made time if not for Aaron, who's about to leave for Australia. Haven't seen all of them since... a few years back! A good reunion! :D

At Molly Roffrey's! They have really good snacks! But beer was superbly overpriced! D:

With the girls!

I look like the baby of the group. All of them are so tall! Even Nevin grew taller already! Hahaha

Headed to 5Izakaya after for more drinks at a cheap price! :D And yes, we took quite some pics together, because we might not be free to meet up till... i don't when! Lol

Weekend work! It's a shorts kinda thing. Actually, it was meant to be a pullover theme but i was working the whole day, i can't wear my pullover either.

 
Dress was provided by the employer, and was a little loose on me... :/ Suppose to let everyone know about the new perfume, Dolce by Dolce & Gabbana, so were handing out blotters and ribbons. It smells really good! Lucky for me! Otherwise, I'd be sneezing the whole day.

Working partner for the weekend! And it so happens that she applied for the other job as well. What a coincidence!

Headed to iLights on both days for the weekend! SO pretty! And it looks romantic too. :/ But, I'm glad i have my pal with me. <3 Too many pretty lights! Shall put them in a separate post!

And that was how my week went. I really am grateful and appreciate everyone caring for me. I am really lucky to have them in my life. :D

Bye~

Weeks of my March

How my study week looks like... 

Tried to be productive, woke up really early to get some workout done. I miss perspiring like mad. I miss how my muscles will ache and sore. Does that sound sick? Trying to be productive on my own and away from all humans... but i failed and ended up meeting my friends on Friday. Lucky to have them. My little joy to cheer me on, and for me to look forward to, for this gloomy period.

 Lemon meringue tart. Was pretty limey for me and too sweet. My least favourite one outta all the tarts. And yeah, can't get enough of their cappuccino, my favourite.

Snacking time to keep me awake. And trying my best not to eavesdrop on the table beside me but it sounds really interesting! Seems like she's really wealthy (but she dressed weirdly) and she makes clothes but somehow people (even some older celebrities which i don't really know) buys from her yet don't want people to know. What an interesting life... not sure if i mean it positively or negatively as well.

Back here on a Friday... without my tea, but coffee this time. I miss my studying mates who used to be there all the time. 

Dinner after at Sushi Tei, because somehow we always choose Jap food over others. The katsu is surprisingly crispy and very much to my liking, without all those fats. :D

Ended the first weekend with delicious food at Habitat coffee. My well deserved break. Love the hazelnut latte, my swan. The cappuccino was somewhat bland for me, but nice coffee art. And totally not used to caffeine, which made my heart beat really fast after that and all of my emotions enhanced! BAD!

Truffle fries! Seafood Aglio Olio! Cheesynara! my cheesy pasta with bacon and sausage. The bacon wasn't smelly, probably covered up by the cheesy taste, so it was good for me.

How my work week looks like...

Got desperate and applied for jobs in the middle of the night. Got a few replies the next day and accepted one for a 2 days job. Was waiting for another that promised high pay! There were 2 job scopes but i didn't get the one with the higher pay but the other is alright. So here i am on a Monday morning at the harbour. Haven't been so punctual for work before despite having having to wake up really really early and take a bus to work... so proud of myself! Until i made a mistake of wearing the wrong pair of shoes to work and had to make a detour. And because of miscommunication which i was told to go get my shoes without saying that i should take the train/bus i cabbed back, and the ride costs $64 for 1.5hours. Seriously, this is the first time i took a cab which lasted SO damn long?! And so expensive?! All that peak hour, and also i booked the cab the night before, there were extra charges, so freaking expensive! I hope they let me claim back as they have said, otherwise i wouldn't have cabbed. If i knew that i don't have to rush, i would have taken a bus home to get my shoes! ;< ANGRY! D; And the best part is, they haven't even confirm my working rates! Remind myself never to work for a company that is so messy and not well managed again. 

Otherwise i would've been happy working this job... With the long hours of break, it's best for me so i force myself to study in between before working for a few more hours after. And i like talking to people, i realised. Or maybe, i just haven't talked for very long. LOL

Dinner with a few fingers! A good meal for a troubled week to all of us, stress and all. Phad thai, green curry fried rice, garlic fried chicken, seafood tom yum soup and an egg for insect. 

And souvenirs Sleeve got for me from Hong Kong. Initially, i didn't want to keep the hello kitty container because the gummy was covered with sugar and my house seems to be attracting red ants from i don't where! But Sleeve forced me to keep the hello kitty casing for the sweets because she specially bought the hello kitty for me. Awwwww! Guess i have to find a way to clean it and think of what to put in there. The char siew tarts are my favourite from the box of crispy food! Haven't tried the little packets yet, saving them for class to relieve hunger. Bitch magnet for me from a bitch. HAHA She's the best bitch there is, and I'm really lucky to have met her. Sometimes, i really wonder where do i find such luck to have such good friends to have my back. I've heard of so many stories of friends hurting each other like some crazy bitch, and I'm glad i don't have to experience it. Really grateful.

And went to Jiat's house to surprise her while she was washing toilet. And she was going to take an hour?! So, we had to think of all kinds of excuses to get her to come out of the toilet. HAHA She must have been really annoyed that so many of her family members needed to use the toilet at that time. Can't believe we went one round and only became good friends 10 years later. We were in the same primary school but didn't know each other, just that we've seen each other around school before. And 10 years later, she's a part of the family of friends, always cheering me on. Happy birthday Jiat, you're one of those with the biggest heart and kindness i have known, always putting yourself above others. Really, I'm that lucky. :)

Here's us sitting quietly in her room waiting for her to finish washing toilet. HAHA 

My shitty outfit for the week, cause i was feeling so tired and all, my theme was tired. I'm suppose to dress like i don't care and look really tired. LOL My clothes shows how i really feel. 

My favourite place to hide. Creamy pasta with mushroom and steak to make me feel better after a bad day of work. And plus, i was really hungry. Hahaha

Dinner with the extended family after visiting one of my relatives at the hospital. More and more people area contracting cancers nowadays, and it scares me... I wouldn't know how it feels, but it sure will scare me. And i admire my relative for her courage and strength... How positive she seems and to take it all in her stride. Hope for the best! Hope she recovers and get rid of it! 

Saw a super fluffy dog! Wonder what breed it is! It doesn't seem like it's a husky but it does have it's features. I want a fluffy dog of my own! :< Lady walked past said that it's difficult to rear her, because Singapore's weather is so warm and her fur is sooo thick. And she is huge! :/

Frog porridge for dinner. Really like how spicy it is! I have trouble eating it actually. I think i only know how to eat frogs' legs. The other parts all look kinda scary... >.< And i didn't really dare to eat. ;/ But, it was too yummy!

It's only mid march, and it just feels so long. Valentine's day seems not too long ago... and now things are totally different. The way it started, the way it ended. Now, everything just seems like a dream and I'm finally awake. It didn't seem that real... everything is somehow foggy yet clear. Forgetting will be good, just like how people forget their dreams. But i probably can't. They're all apart of me that i can never forget, it's my life, my experience, i treasure all of it, good or bad, just because it's my life. If i forget everything, it's like I've wasted my time living. But just for now, it hurts too much to remember. I hope more good things will happen in my life so i can push it all back... 

So thankful to have my best friends supporting me. As much as i don't want to rely on someone, so that i don't have to feel like when I'm on my own i will die, i think i have to because every single moment sucks so bad right now. I thought i can do it on my own, but it's worse than I've expected and it's really nice to have someone there for me, to distract me, listen and all... I'm really grateful. In the meantime, i hope i can be happy with myself, and handle being alone, so that when the next one comes, I'm ready. And i don't want to miss it because I'm not ready with myself.

Bye~

What is love?

Is it money? Is it money that can buy a house? Is it money that can buy a house to store our clothes, bags and shoes? Is it money that can buy a house to store our clothes, bags and shoes so we can wear them and head out and pay to get some food? Is it money so we can wake up everyday in that house that stores our clothes, bags and shoes so we can wear them and head out and pay to get some food and do the same thing over and over again for the rest of our lives even if we live like two unhappy and separate beings, yet not be afraid or worry that we wouldn't have all that? 

Is it companionship? Is it companionship to share our house that stores our clothes, bags and shoes? Is it companionship to share our house that stores our clothes, bags and shoes so we can wear them and head out and pay to get some food without the waiter shouting "table for one" across the entire restaurant and we sit by ourselves watching others  but not each other ,while others are ignorant of our presence? Is it companionship so our bodies don't feel lonely in the house with the bed for two, table for two, sofa for two and the television screen almost the size of our windows, even if our souls are? 

Is it lust? Is it lust that satisfies what your body craves for? Is it lust that satisfies what your body craves and it doesn't matter who? Is it lust that satisfies what your body craves and that it doesn't matter who, even if there's no care, no attention, no connection from the people that comes and go but for that few moments that you feel satisfied and nothing else? Is it lust that satisfies what your body craves and that it doesn't matter who, even if there's no care, no attention, no connection from the people that comes and go but for that few moments that you feel satisfied and nothing else to prove to yourself that you're living and feeling something before that satisfaction wears off and you look for another to try to feel that way again?

Does love even exist now? 

Bye,

End of Fat Feb.

End of a fat month...

Technically, it isn't fat, since it is the shortest month of the year and i managed to save the most so far! :D But... i did eat like crazy. And i have to start making it up for all those food! :< Went for a swim! Weather was good! :D And also, i need to work off those 4kg that I've gained during Chinese new year! T.T Either I've gained them or my muscles turned into flabs during that period! Now I've to instill some discipline in myself to get my butt off and start working out consistently since I'm not dancing often already. :<

Brunch with the relatives at Alexandra food village. So, we were trying to order the better tasting food and we have no idea which is the better wanton mee. Usually, i look at people's food to see if it looks appetising or not. Ha ha Saw them wanton mee in orange/pink plates that looks good so i ordered from that stall. Turns out that we got a tip that another stall is better but I've already ordered! So, we order some more from another shop. LOL We look like we're big fans of wanton mee. This is for 4! And so much for trying to kill those flabs! 

Outfit! Have been looking around for the maxi skirt with a slit in it for ages and i found it! :D And also wearing kitty cat top again because it's too cute. :D

Dinner at Chomp Chomp! Felt like chomping down some stingray! :D This oyster omelette wasn't up to standard that day. Time to find another better stall.

 YES MEAT! Satay for us! All pork because the meat is more tender,

 Stingray! YAYYYY~

Really spicy Kang Kong which had a hint of Wasabi. Not sure what they added, but it was a tad too spicy for me!

 Love chicken wings like these! But i think those at Makansutra may be a little better.

 And yes, we need carbs so here's hokkien mee.

My favourite part when we go to Chomp Chomp is dessert! Back at One bowl of dessert for the all time best Durian mousse. And the Aiyu mango sago which makes us mellow. :3

No idea why, but my face has been itching for quite a while. Not sure if they're mozzie bites or worse, bed bugs bite! It's like I'm itching so much these days! How is it possible that i get a mozzie bite every single day?! It's kinda driving me insane. I get so paranoid and i keep checking mozzies or bedbugs, and of course, i can't find them. So what is causing me to itch!!! D;

Bye~